This is us. A hundred and fifty miles away with only a heartbreak to link us. A sunset to remind us. A moon to be our incandescent street light in the middle of nowhere. Your assurance that breaks me. My heart in the middle of the sea in the midst of a storm, missing the stillness it once knew in your presence. Your eyes that filled the river, whose torrents created that sea.
Tell me how it feels again, to hold you in the middle of the road. The nowhere that actually had a name. With every passerby whose eyes are on us. And every ride we missed on purpose. For the benefit of incomplete sunsets and landscapes. With only our intertwined hands and their imperfect perfect fit. To walk. And to walk some more. To see beyond the flaws of architecture. And to call each house our own.
“I love you, okay?” she said.
I can’t promise you forever. But I can only give you now. I can only assure you every moment we are together. Beside each other or not. I can only give you so much and only promise everything. I can only think of the road we’ve yet to tread, and the pain that will become us. The distance that will cease to be a number, and will tear us apart instead. Promises that will remain. Promises that won’t. Promises that will see the daylight of fulfillment, and the rest that will turn into an abyss of empty words. The me that will be waiting. The you that is worth waiting for. And the us in the future that is a mist.
Working this out would be a full time job. Losing you, the pay. And loving you doesn’t cut a living. But I’d do it my whole life anyway.
I’ll stay, if you want me to.
She believed in me. I’ve yet to do that myself.
And it was raining. Shards of water biting through my head. Tapping on my windows. Lost my sleep, followed by my sanity. Nothing in my pockets but emptiness, brought to flesh by my wallet. I don’t know what I did, but I’m sure it’s my fault. Blackout. You called. You always call on the worst days. Yet you always manage to turn me around. Send me to the other side of the spectrum. You were everything I needed. Your distance. Your presence.
I always knew what it was like to be alone, yet it never felt this way. Late night taxi rides with only the thought of your arms around me and your lips to meet mine. Left. Right. Straight ahead. Excluding the road and minding only the map. Our complexity.
She assured me, “We can work this out, okay?”
My mind is clouded. My head is pounding. My chest is aching. My heart is falling in on itself.
I miss you.